Love You Forever - A Letter

To my dearest griever, my person whose heart aches at each and every moment,

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I know that those words are likely already losing value for you. They are starting to become like so many other meaningless things. At least for me, when I lost my mom, I also lost a lot of other bits of what society deems proper and essential. I began to scoff at anything not true, at anything even threateningly disingenuous. I did this because I was raw. I was a struck chord, impacted fully by any event, large or small.

I imagine you are struck right now. You are probably also looking at the world and feeling desperately overwhelmed. That emotion is normal. You will have it the majority of the next year or so. You will have it, but you will also overcome it. You will do all sorts of things in the next year or so that you never thought you would have to do, that you never thought you could do. You will impress yourself, you will disappoint yourself. You will impress and disappoint others too, but they should not concern you too much. Everyone is just dealing with their grief and feelings as best they can.

It will be very good for you to stay busy. It will take your mind away from the swirling black hole of pain. This next year or so should be all about finding healthy ways to do just that, to move forward and away. With that said, you must also wallow a little bit. The feelings you have now are important ones, they must be processed and acknowledged. Feelings, they will come in all shapes and sizes. You will be mad and sad and jealous and happy and all the ways a human can be. Grief does not stifle these things, it lights them on fire.

I have to say something about grief now, no person grieves like any other person. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There are ways you can help yourself be healthier in the process, but it is very important not to judge others in their process. I would like to share with you some of the ways I stayed as healthy as possible while I was grieving. But remember, everyone grieves differently, and this is not a list of expectations I have for you, they are just suggestions.

1.      Go outside or do something that keeps you physically active EVERY DAY.

2.      Pay attention to your drinking, I’m not saying you should be sober. Just don’t let it get away from you.

3.      When people you love invite you to do something, do it. This will be the thing that shows you how to move forward. How to keep going, I promise.

4.      It is ok to feel hopeless and lethargic, the important thing is that you get up, feed yourself, talk to someone, and bathe. I know it sounds silly, but these are the essentials.

5.      Don’t be too hard on yourself. You will say things that make you hate yourself, you will forget things and people. You will have lots of moments to beat yourself up about, don’t. Say you’re sorry and let it go. No one is perfect.

That’s all I have for you, I know you are a warrior, fierce and tough and fiery. But you must also remember that loss softens you if you open yourself up. It makes you more perceptive and aware of the suffering around you. It teaches you the deepest form of love.

Love you forever,

Carmen